Going Responsibly into Debt and Other Lessons from Personally Living in Poverty

As a child we would spend every day through most of the year in the the public pool at our apt complex. We would get one swimsuit a year.

My sixth birthday party, a big splurge for my family, at a park with some rides.

It's taken me years to admit it to people, because I was so deeply ashamed, but I grew up in poverty. I think it would have been hard to guess it, because I was clean, well-mannered, and dressed nicely. I was well-educated and had some knowledge of arts and culture. But it was a secret I kept with me all my childhood, throughout college and grad school and well into my adulthood. I didn't have a phone growing up until I was about 12 years old. We used a pay phone and because of that, I was not able to say goodbye to my best friend who moved out of our apartment complex when I was 6. We were on government assistance at one point when my mom was single and going through a job transition. We drank evaporated milk and ate peanut butter and we were always grateful when we were able to treat ourselves to a doughnut from Mitchell's Market or a hard candy cane. I never got those dance or music lessons that I wanted. We didn't have a car and my mom would splurge to get me Dial-a-Ride early in the mornings before school so I could go to choir practice.

Things got better for my family economically when I was in sixth grade and we moved to a better area, but the kids at school made fun of me for dressing in the same clothes every week. I didn't have a computer in high school or even my first year of college, and I would write my papers and go to school early to use the computers there. I loved books and films about class struggles and developing the inner person.

My fourth grade class photo. Dressed in a lacy dress and heels, no one thought I wasn't well-off.

I admired Patty and Cathy, the adventurous identical cousins on the Patty Duke Show, and built small businesses in arts and crafts when I was young like they did. I've found a few friends in whom I've been able to confide, and those friends helped me to feel less ashamed of my circumstances and to embrace who I am and what I've done with my life in celebration. My mom simultaneously beams and cries at her pride in what I've accomplished in my life. I am the best educated person in my family and I made it all on my own.

My childhood idols, the cultured Cathy and the adventurous Patty. They could do anything if they put their minds to it.

HERE ARE A FEW THINGS I LEARNED GROWING UP IN POVERTY.

1. It isn't the lack of having things that was the main problem, but rather, feeling isolated, ashamed, and unsafe that haunted me. In our society we teach people, including kids, that the wealthy are better, in almost every way. I needed food at school, but out of shame I never ate a free school lunch. My mom would make a modest lunch and it would be ok. Having to hide my situation made it the case that I had few friends, and when I was invited somewhere with a friend I almost always had to say no. We didn't have a car and I would have to walk most places, and I was afraid much of the time. I was nearly raped when I was 7. If not for a neighborhood boy walking home from school not far from the incident, I would have had to deal with that, as well.

My desk as a child, bought second hand like most of my things.

2. Because I grew up in poverty, I really appreciated the things I had and I developed myself and my intellectual and creative talents. I used resources like the school library and apartment complex's pool to entertain myself. Because of my experience and the richness of intellectual, creative, and athletic resources I had despite my financial difficulties, I have a hard time accepting that children who are raised in public schools without any camps or lessons are unable to develop themselves. There is running and playing soccer with friends, there is reading at the public library and writing essays and stories, and a set of watercolors or a pencil and some paper are only a few dollars for months of artistic activity. Despite this, I do think that kids who have lessons and camps and activities are able to create more social relationships and for that reason and many others, are in fact greatly advantaged. I was deeply sorry I could not take dance lessons as a child. I felt alone at school and besides that, I loved dance. Instead of dance lessons, my parents, reunited when I was age 12, gave me a ballet kit that included a video and even a ballet bar so that I could practice by myself.

3. Paying for college was tough, and I knew it would be. Throughout high school I entered scholarship competitions in order to fund myself. I spent nearly every day after school my junior year in the scholarship office of my high school, going through big books of funding and writing essays for sponsored competitions. My hard work paid off and I won a few scholarships. They probably totaled to no more than $8,000, however. I was ambitious and for college I knew exactly where I wanted to go: Reed College, a private, elite, alternative liberal arts college that rivaled the ivy leagues. Reed sent someone from Oregon to Arizona to interview me, after I had submitted an application package including my experience in cancer labs for microbiology, literary magazines where I had published and edited volumes, sample reviews from theatre productions I had been in, and art that I had produced. I was perfect for Reed and they accepted me. However, at over $30,000 a year (and this was back in 1996) and only a guarantee for funding in my sophomore year, I knew I could not afford it. My dreams were squashed, I thought, and in resignation I went to Arizona State University. If it would have been possible, I would have gone. If any of my students or anyone I know has an opportunity like this I HIGHLY RECOMMEND GOING INTO DEBT FOR IT. If you can take out loans, this is the time to do it. Unfortunately, loans in this country for education are unavailable to college students unless they get their parents to cooperate in the loan approval process or they are fully emancipated from their parents. This applies to college students even if they are over 18. Because my mom simply did not understand, and was unable to bring herself to cooperate in either of these methods for helping me to apply for loans, I was unable to go.

4. I have to admit, I was discouraged. But I went to Arizona State University and got the best education I could there, while working a full time job to pay for my rent, bills, food, and books. At one point, I had not only a full time job, but in addition a part time job as a receptionist at a resort hotel on the graveyard shift, where I worked overnight on the weekends. I started to go insane and fall asleep on my long drives to and from school and work, and after a few months, I quit the graveyard shift and allowed myself to go into a little more credit card debt to afford food and bills. I worked my way through school and it was hard. Really hard. I didn't always read the assigned material, write the best essays, or even stay awake in classes because I essentially had two full time jobs: one at work, and one at school. What I learned from all of this is that I needed to understand and accept my limits. We live in a society where we can take out money on credit if we need it, and my mentality that I should not go into debt held me back. As soon as I recognized that living was more important than refraining from gathering debt, I became happier, more balanced, and was able to excel in college. I believe going into debt, not irresponsibly, but RESPONSIBLY,  allowed me to do well enough in college my last two years to enable me to get acceptance immediately into a Ph.D. program in philosophy. And though getting a Ph.D. was hard, it was easy in comparison to what had led up to it for me. Finally at a point where I could focus on my education, I worked hard and never looked back.

5. Now as a professor I have my own college students to inspire. I knew I had to succeed, because every time I failed at something, even if I had worked hard for it, I learned something important about who I am and the kind of person I want to be. Now, THAT, and not getting a Ph.D. or a tenure-track job at a university, is my crowning achievement. I am proud to be a person who worked hard through my trials to became a better and more balanced person, to become someone who is able to be compassionate towards others in disadvantaged situations and to truly understand from the INSIDE, that the value of a person is not in what they make or where they were educated, but in who they are.